Toys!Toys!Toys!

Oh yes, mums and daddies, its that time of year again - toy sale time! Catalogues with pages and pages of toys and games, crazy mums heading out to the shops at midnight, trolleys everywhere and lay-by lineups that go for hours. Oh the joy of it all!

Image from here

I have to say, i did well this year. Last i went to the Big W toy sale 3 days after it started, expecting that they would still have plenty of the toys i wanted. Uh - Fail! But i was a newbie toy sale-er back then... i didnt know abot the crazy crush of mums who get there bang on midnight and spend half the night in a lay-by line. So this year, a little older and a little wiser, i prepared. I scoured the catalogues and made myself a list of what we wanted to for Flynn and for our two neices and 3 nephews; i double checked prices and Googled the items i liked to make sure they were appropriate; and i did a scout around the store a day or two beforehand so i knew where the things i wanted would be. Genius Mummy!

We ended up getting our two biggest purchases from Myer which meant that when i went to BIg W today i wouldnt have to get as much ( which meant there were less things for me to miss out on ). I didnt go at midnight with the other pyscho-mummies ( sleep is far too precious to me for that! ) but i did go at 8am, after Flynn and I had had breakfast, showered and got dressed. There was hardly anyone there - all the hardcore toy sal-ers had been and gone; and the slowpokes and newbies probably didnt realise the store was open continously from midnight. We were in, shopped, lay-byed and out in 45 mins!

And yes, before i praise myself too much and someone else points it - yes i know you can now do the shopping online. However, not all items are available online and part of me actually likes the planning and the searching and the satisfaction of finding all the stuff on my list. And now we have all the presents sorted for Christmas and all we need to get in December is a present for each other. Cant get much better than that i dont think!
How about you - did you or are you planning to hit up the toy sales this year? Are you an online shopper or a hands on kinda gal like me?

Perspective

Adjusting

“Enjoying your retirement?”

Having taught more than 3500 students for more a third of a century in the same small community, many people know me and I hear that question many times a day.

I smile and shrug. “It hasn’t sunk in yet,” and that’s true. It’s been more than a week since I cleaned out my classroom and got an engraved glass plaque from MSAD 72 thanking me for my years of service. Early summer feels about like it always has, however - going around the the properties I manage, shooting red squirrels, making sure everything works, reminding contractors about various repairs and maintenance. It’s only when I walk by the boxes of books and files from school on the floor of my garage where I unloaded them from my truck on the last day of school. That’s when I remember I’m a former history teacher now. I’ve got to update the profile on my web site this week to indicate that.

The academic calendar has ruled my life for more than fifty years. Early on, we Catholic school kids got out more than a week before the public school kids did. I’d ride my bike around the neighborhood but the others in a neighborhood filled with young baby boomer kids were still in school. I remember feeing good realizing that I had no more homework for a few months. I could slip out of the house with my fishing rod before my mother could think of something else for me to do and have Round Pond all to myself. Digging worms and fishing alone was different though. With no one to talk to, I was much more aware of the sound of wind, birds and insects and the feel of the sun on my body. I enjoyed all that up to a point. I was alone with my thoughts and feelings. If I caught a good-sized bass or pickerel there was nobody to share the experience. By mid-afternoon I’d find myself waiting at the bus stop for my public school friends to come home and try to get a baseball game going. When they finally got out for the summer I wouldn’t think of school again until those first cool days in August.

Later, as a teenager and then as a college student and teacher, I’d work summer jobs and savor the weekends. After I was married and with a growing family, I’d have building projects, the honey-do list, and planned recreational activities. I was very aware that there were about ten weeks to get everything done. Each week that was counted off, I’d measure against what there was still to do. Come August, I’d have to triage because I’d never get done all I planned before school started again. This year, one week is already in the can but I don’t feel that pressure. Though I’m just as busy as I’ve always been in late June, I feel more relaxed because my schedule will remain flexible for the foreseeable future and I won’t feel the crunch come Labor Day weekend. School will start for others, but not for me, I won’t have to jam work on unfinished chores into weekends in the fall. This time, I’ll be able to get all my work done before the weekends come, maybe even before.

Juggling three jobs for so many years put me in hurry-up mode most of the time and it became an almost permanent state of mind. Bumping into friends and acquaintances at the post office or the store, I’d have to be aware of the time because I was usually hurrying from one job to another. I’d drop off my briefcase and my car, change clothes, put things in my truck and go off again. When home, I was dealing with phone calls and emails. As my wife would put it: “You’re a human doing - not a human being.” That stuck in my mind when mulling the decision to retire last February.

As I said, my first week of summer was busy as usual, but I’m getting caught up. I should have it all current soon and then I’ll again become a human being, if I can remember how.

Correction: In my June 16th column I referred to the author of “The Forgotten Man” as Emily Schlaes. Her name is Amity, not Emily. My apologies.

That Old, Ugly Feeling...

Does anyone else have those little meltdowns, those days when your whole mood is just completely off kilter and there isnt much you can do to change it?


Yea, well i had one of those on Sunday. I woke feeling not quite right, like halfway through the night the happy, satisfied part of myself had decided to slip between the sheets and not show her face in the morning. I felt frumpy, tired, ugly and irritable. I thought dressing up a little would lift my mood, so instead of my usual jeans/jumper/Converse All Stars combo i threw some tights on under a summer dress, with a cardy and boots. I really liked my outift ( way cute! ) but, even so, it did little to liven me up. Now i just felt like a fat, ugly frump wearing a pretty dress. So - no better then. I tried to put on a smiley happy face but it didnt stop the sense of "blah, blah, shitty, blah " from spreading through the inside of me. Even Micks playful teasing - which i usually give as good as i get - didnt make me smile. In fact, it only served to make me feel worse.

Image from here

And why? Was there a reason for this overwhelming feeling of ugly emptiness? I kept telling Mick "no, i dont know, not really ", telling him that i was just having a bad day. But that wasnt exactly true...

She's having another baby.
She's having another baby, and i'm not.

Why oh why is my sense of self-worth so still tied up with her? Why is the way i feel about myself so bound by what she does, or thinks, or says? Why can i feel so fulfilled and happy and confident in what i have and what i want, but one Facebook status is enough to bring me undone? And i cant even see the status ( i was "de-friended", remember? ) so i hear the news from Mick, and i have to bite my lip and say " Oh, really? Good on them " without also saying " I wish we were having one now too ".

Because, believe it or not, i am both happy for her and extremely jealous - even though my plans for a baby are only a few months from getting underway ( as it were... ). For some reason, the fact that she is adding to her family first makes me unbelievably sad for myself, like again i'll be sitting in her shadow and she'll be getting the things i would like to have for myself. Which, in retrospect, is probably how she felt when i was pregnant.... she had been trying to conceive for a while and there i was, falling pregnant accidentally. The difference is a) she already had everything else, and had it for a long time, while i was plodding along with the lower paid job, living with my parents while i saved for a home, spending years without a man to love me, having to scrimp and save for every little thing i wanted, when everything else came so easily to her.... and b) i can be envious that its not my time BUT i can still wish her the best. She didnt do that for me.

So, even though we havent spoken for almost a year, i sent her a message of congratulations. I got a polite, yet curt, " Thank you " in return. I dont know what i was expecting - if anything at all - but i had hoped for something more. Selfishly maybe - maybe sending her a message was inappropriate, like i was trying to get something from her that she isnt willing to give. Maybe it was me subconsciously trying to say " See? This is what you should have done for me. Why couldnt you just put your jealousy aside ? ". I dont know. I dont want to psycho-analyse myself anymore, I'm tired of picking apart and second guessing the choices i make ( made. didnt make. apparently made... ). Whats is done now but what remains is that there is a baby on the way, but its not on its way to me... and i feel like a failure.

Dear Flynn, Aged 18 months

Dearest Flynn Charlie

Happy 18 month-aversary honeybee! I cant believe that you are 18 months old already, which means its only 6 months til you are 2 - and then you really will be classed as a "toddler " and not a baby anymore. Not that it matters - you've been telling me for months you're a " boy " and only refer to yourself as a baby when we have special hug-gles together, and even then the " baby " part is accompanied by a cheeky grin.

See? That cheeky grin!

Actually, most things are accompanied by a cheeky grin. You've grown into such a happy, smiley, giggling ratbag of a boy. You're a cheeky little monkey, a real " boys boy " - you love nothing more than mucking in with Daddy or Poppy in the garage or backyard. You're apparently quite the hands-on little person too ... Poppy was very impressed when you watched him for only a few minutes and then you were able to put a pop rivet in the pop rivet gun all by yourself ( a Bob the Builder in the making maybe... )

All this " boy " stuff doesnt mean you dont also love spending time with me. I love the time we get to spend together readig books, or doing puzzles, and i think its incredibly funny that every morning you want to hide in the wardrobe with my shoes while i get dressed! You still get very much attached to me when you are sick or tired, and although i sometimes wish i could have my lap back, i secretly dont mind...

Kind of helping in the yard

In the past 6 months from my last letter you have:
* developed an amazing vocabulary. I dont mean to boast, but you speak very well for your age;
* had battles with Mummy and Daddy over your food - you still manage to eat A LOT, but you fell out of love with your vegies for a while there. Currently you smash down roast vegies, and will happily munch on raw capsicum, carrot and sometimes beans;
*had your first kiss from a girl - ooh la la! Olivia came over for a playdate and gave you a smoochy when she was leaving. You might have pulled a weird face, but I'm now planning on your wedding...
* learned to climb up the play equipment at two of our favourite playgrounds all by yourself. I still need to stand by and make sure you dont fall, but you can pull yourself up the steps. You've also found the courage to go down the slippery dip - but your favourite is still the swings.
* discovered a love of chocolate ( thank you Easter Bunny! ) that i think may actually be genetic... at least once a day you say " Mummy? Coc-o-lit ? "

Picnicing at our favourite playground

.... and so many other things. You've also been unfortunate enough to have croup 3 times, and a stint with a week long virus which changed you from a tiny tear-about to a tired, fluffy little baby-lump inside a few hours. But, most of the time, you are loud, crazy, boy-energy personified. And i wouldnt have you any other way.
Love ya guts ( and your stinky little feet ),
Your mummy...

A Rich Woman and a Richman show that it’s not the Money but the Thought that Counts

I found the story this week, of Hadassah Peri an interesting one. Twenty years ago, Hadassah, orginally from the Philippines, and working as a nurse in New york, was sent to look after Huguette Clark. At the time Huguette was an 84 year old millionaire recluse. She had inherited a quarter of a billion pounds back in 1927, money made from copper mining. When Huguette died she left £21 million of her estate to the nurse who had cared for her all this time.

In a statement released through her lawyers, Hadassah said she was ‘awed at the generosity Huguette has shown me and my family, and was eternally grateful’. She was with Huguette every day for the 20 years. She said ‘I was her private duty nurse but also her close friend. I knew her as a kind and generous person, with whom I shared many wonderful moments and whom I loved very much I am profoundly sad at her passing’. Huguette Clark’s family will receive virtually nothing from the legacy.

The case has sparked a growing debate in the nursing profession, both in the US and here in the UK over the ethics of nurses receiving gifts from those in their care. I predict it will run for some time yet. Spookily, the Health Service Journal, using the Freedom of Information Act last month revealed that Hospital Trusts in the UK still owed the Department of Health a quarter of a billion pounds, with most of the debt resulting from mass bailouts made during the financial crisis of 2006. Hospital Trusts had been given £778m in working capital loans by the DH in 2006-07 and £247m since then. By the end of 2010-11 Trusts still owed £269m and 11 trusts had £10m or more outstanding. However, I am willing to bet that this is a debate that will be as loud as the noise of one hand clapping.

The week ended for me on a sad note with the funeral of my friend, colleague and great mental health nurse Tom Mason. Tom was one of those very special people, who always put other's first, whatever the cost he was always willing to show he cared. Much of his work was in the field of forensic mental health and his prolific publications in this and other areas of nursing care helped shape the services we now have in the UK. In 1999, Tom was awarded the International Association of Forensic Nurses Achievement Award in recognition of his outstanding achievements. His work with colleagues all over the world was always given freely, and his leadership and scholarship will be greatly missed.

Tom was a humanitarian, a member of Amnesty International and active opponent of the use of torture. He was a gentle man but one passionate about promoting nursing practice, education and research – and to this end he succeeded very well.

During the celebration of his life led by his wife Elizabeth, Tom had been keen that his mentor and the man who had been a big influence in shaping his life course, should be acknowledged. This was  a man  who was possibly one of the greatest thinkers I have ever had the fortune to encounter – he was the late Professor Joel Richman. Joel was also my PhD supervisor, colleague and generous friend, as he was too many of the people at Tom’s funeral. And I want to add my voice in salute to the way both these extraordinary men touched so many of our lives in such a positive way.

However, I am sure like me, your thoughts are with Elizabeth and Tom’s family during this difficult time.

Trust Yourself - Intuition

( By Susan Piver ) If you could picture your intuition as a person, what would he or she look like? If you sat down together for dinner, what is the first thing he or she would tell you?


Wow - you know, though i've always kind of relied on my intution ( though for a while there "intuition " was very heavily influenced by " negative thought process " ) i've never actually thought about what she might look personified. Oh yea, my intution is definately a "she " - that much i'm sure of. A strong, sultry "she ", one who knows her own mind ( is that my own mind? ). I'm thinking long auburn hair, green eyes, taller than me and curvy. A strong, fiery redhead. I mean, she'd have to be to get me to listen to her, wouldnt she? I'm not going to take my cues from any old mousey, wet-blanket, woman. You know what? Think Famke Janssen in the " X-Men " movies and thats pretty close to what i'm picturing here....

Or maybe she looks like this...( image from here )

As for dinner - what the hell am i supposed to feed the inner woman who guides most of what i do? ( Hell, i say most, because lets not pretend that " negative thought process " doesnt still win out sometimes... ) It'd have to be something good, something hearty and comforting and satisfactorily filling. Something that could accompany a good heart-to-heart. Roast chicken would be the best bet i think... or is that what my intuition tells me?

What she would tell me is that my feelings of needing to change jobs are right. I keep thinking it back over, and putting myself in my co-workers shoes, but my intuition would tell me that for my family to be put first, i have to leave when i get the chance.
She'd tell me to make contact, even though it probably wont be returned the way i hope. Just put myself out there and do it, and prove that i can be what she wasnt.
And lastly she'd tell me that i'm a good mum. She tells me that all the time as it is, even when the self-doubt creeps in.

What would your intuition look like? Be like? Tell you?

I'm getting there

It's taken me a long time to admit to myself that I'm a senior. For the longest time it has been going to be one next year or I will be soon and other excuses like that. Well that next year is quickly approaching. In fact, I'm just about to the half way mark of my limbo between junior/senior year: mid-summer.
I've been busy. Very busy. I've worked VBS, attended a orchestra camp, taken part of an ACT prep course, purchased a new viola, and numerous other things. It's been a great summer so far. I'll try to sum up with pictures.

VBS 2011 was New York themed. I' worked in music teaching 1st through 4th grades the motions to the music. It was so much fun! The picture is of me and my friend Morgan on one of our group's dress up days. This was taken on tourist day. Oh and we are aware that we're wearing D.C. shirts in N.Y.

This picture is from the final concert of Belmont's Strings Crossing, which is the orchestra camp I attended. The camp was very intense and a lot of hard work but all that made me learn so much.

This is me with the quartet I was in at camp. We played a Haydn quartet and rocked it. It was VERY hard and we had to pull a lot together in a little time but we did it. These girls are such great players and I'm so glad I got to work with them.

Lastly, this is my new viola. It's a beautiful new instrument with a gorgeous sound and I can't wait to keep improving over my senior year on this instrument.





With all of this summer stuff going on it's getting me so excited for my senior year. Wrapping up all my high school stuff is starting to present itself as just a challenge than a threat and college is no longer a distant fear but a upcoming adventure. I know God has big plans for this coming school year and beyond and I just can't wait to see what they are.

Polly Dolly - Workin' 9 To 5

So i'm a bit late to this weeks Polly Dolly ( i was off adventuring with Mick - more about that later ) but this week the lovely Dani from Danimezza wants to know what Polly wears when she's...

At my office we ( unfortunately ) have to wear a uniform - navy trousers, black pin stripe shirt and black closed-toe shoes. Yes, black and navy together... whoever designed our uniform apparently knows little about fashion rules. But Polly here is wearing what i would love to be able to wear to work. The beautiful print skirt would be the centrepiece, paired with a basic black knit top and basic black tights. Then i'd add mininal accessories in a bright colour to liven up the black, but keep the outfit looking professional ( cue a chunky beaded necklace and some cute flats ).I'm also a fan of wearing my hair in a relaxed low bun for work ( a la Natalie Portman ) and the Jason Wu glasses are a must for a girl with poor eyesight. A tote big enough to carry not only my wallet and phone and everyday essentials, but my cute little Netbook too. Finish off with a light tinted moisturiser and dont forget my water bottle ( i dont drink coffee *gasp!* so i have a bottle of water on my desk all day ) and Polly is ready to head to the office?
What would your Polly wear to her 9 -5 ?

Shameless Self Promotion

Would you believe that i started blogging way back in 2007? No, probably not, especially not if you paid any attention to my blog stats. Which i sort of do, but kind of dont. See, even though i'm an old pro at the art of blog posting, the social media skills required for full-scale blogging success are still alluding me. I signed up for Twitter last year but have only just started "using " it; I've only just cottoned onto the awesome bloggy-community that is Digital Parents; and after 5 years of blogging, i've only just decided it might be wise to make myself a Facebook fan page ( although i'm not comfortable with the term " fan " page - i'm no celebrity! I dont have fans! ).

So please overlook my previous lack of utilising social media, and allow me this one chance at blog-whoring:

Please come " Like " me!

Find me on Twitter and chat to me about #Masterchef, the #Trust30 and sharing #TMI !

Be my friend on Digital Parents so i feel a part of the big mummy blog family!

Ok, alright, enough now - what i'm saying is its only taken me 5 years to realise that socialising within blog circles is important ( duh Amy - you dunderhead! ) and may just open up doors that would otherwise remained closed...

*NOTE* - My blog-whoring does not reach as far as " following " for "followings " sake. Unless you want to ( follow me please! )... though be pre-warned i'll only follow back if your fabulous!

Itchy

You know that feeling of wanting something, and wanting it now, now, NOW? That unscratchable itch? Yea, well i've got the itch, and i've got it bad. Its like my brain is stuck in fast-forward, and the more i dwell on thoughts of the future, the "itchier" i get. I'm wanting three things:

1) I want to get married
2) I want to build a house and
3) I want to have another baby.
And i want all these things to happen tomorrow, or at least thats how i've been feeling the last few weeks or so.

He's definately got an itch....

Its crazy really - each of those things are very realistically on the cards, its just that i cant shake these feelings of wanting to have it all happen tomorrow, next week, next month... not next year, or the year after that. I mean, our wedding is now only just over 4 months away ( which, in reality, is crazy/scary soon ... ) yet night after night i run through the plans in my head and secretly wish that everything was already organised and we could just say the " I do "s this weekend. After the wedding, Mick and I are planning on having another baby - and by planning i mean i've sat down and figured out how to manipulate the Pill so i have my last period right before the wedding and we can start baby-making on the honeymoon. And when we have another child, a two bedroom duplex is just not going to be enough room, so the want for another house will be more like a need. And, rather than buy an established home ( which is still a great fallback plan ) what we'd like to do is buy a block of land in a village just outside of the town we live in and build. I'm not talking anything fancy - no giant McMansion for us - just a 3 or 4 bedroom home, with built-ins and a nice big kitchen. We've even looked at the option of having a kit home/transportable home built by a local company and have found that it makes things pretty affordable for us, providing we sell the duplex before borrowing money for the build. Realistically, all this selling and borrowing and building cant happen til at least the end of this year, and all the timing becomes a bit trickier if you throw a pregnancy into the mix.

I guess what i'm saying is - who wants to give me $250 000? No, no, thats not it ( athough, if you have deep pockets... ). What i really mean is even though i have this crazy urge to have it all, and have it NOW, i also know that the more i focus on the future, the less i'm concentrating on the now. I'm living with my head in the proverbial clouds, which means i'm missing so much of whats happening down here in the real world. The real, tangible, its-happening-right-now... well... now. So - its not just me is it? Tell me i'm not the only one who is itching to get things done, and to do it all without resorting to massive credit card debt or an astronomical mortage?

Argh!!

Image from here

Why argh! ? Because i wrote a whole blog post at work today and it has somehow - again! - disappeared into cyber space. So please enjoy the little stuffed monster dude up there until tomorrow when i can find either find the lost post or find the motivation to write it again....

( Maybe Not ) Trusting Yourself

This is kind of, sort of, a bit about the Trust30 challenge. Those of you have been reading along at home the last two weeks or so will have noticed the majority of my posts in that time have been prompted by the Trust30, which was a daily posting challenge inspired by Ralph Waldo Emerson's text " Self Reliance ". I was so geared up to post every.single.day- something i'd never managed to do before - and it started out well. The prompts were thought-provoking, in depth, honest and a bit raw. But now?

I'm turned off a little - the prompts are becoming so repeatitive. You know... same same, but different?

Image from here

Of the last half dozen prompts, only one has inspired me to write ( Wholly New and Strange ). The other five have all been variations on the same theme, each question essentially the same just worded differently. What are you afraid of? What do you want to achieve in your life but havent tried? What is holding back from achieving your dreams? What do you dream of - write it down! Do it! All pretty much the same thing, and the same as one of the first few prompts we were given. Its like whoever was responsible for compiling all the prompts didnt actually check to make sure  they were doubling up on topics. Or tripling, or quadrupling...

I was very much inspired in the beginning, but i wont write about the same thing day in and day out for a month just so i can say i completed a blog post challenge. The idea was to help my blog move away from constant " fluffy " posts and more towards meaningful writing - if i write the same post over and over that kind of defeats the purpose, doesnt it? So i'll keep checking back at the Ralph Waldo Emerson page to see if they've come up with anything new, but if not, i'm resuming normal transmission around here....I hope none of you think less of me for giving up? I mean, there is no use flogging a dead horse right?

Competence, the Code, and Trying Aristotle Again

This week has been an interesting and varied one. I spent an entire morning taking part in competency based interviews. Given my predilection for difference, those that know me will understand how bizarre my involvement in such a process might have been. MI5 use competency based interviews on the basis that, done properly, they can help the interviewer understand a person’s past behaviour, something said to be the best predictor of future behaviour. Competency based interviews are designed to assess a candidate against a standard set of competencies required for the role. The candidates are not assessed against each other, but against these competencies. Surrealy, I was interviewing my PA for a Head of School PA job, a job she has done excellently for me over the past four years, and hopefully will continue to do so.

I also took part in an event that sought to understand what is meant by inclusive teaching. The first task was to ask the participants to work in small groups aimed at developing just one definition of what is meant by inclusive teaching. An impossible and some would say redundant task, given that being inclusive, in this context, must mean embracing the individual and difference. Likewise power differentials, economic considerations and professional expectations will all contribute to the interpersonal dynamics of the teaching relationships we engage in with  students.

Later on in the week I presented a case at a Fitness for Professional Practice hearing involving a student nurse studying in our School. There are currently over 660,000 nurses and midwives on the NMC register. If an allegation is made about a nurse or midwife who may not meet the standards set, the NMC will investigate and, where necessary, take action to safeguard the health and wellbeing of the public. However, less than 0.2% of nurses and midwives have allegations made about their fitness to practise. The vast majority work within their code and consistently meet the high standards expected by the public. The Code is the foundation of good nursing and midwifery practice. Competency based interviews don’t feature in these FfPP processes, thankfully.

And then Friday came and there was an opportunity to spend some time writing. A couple of my colleagues and I are trying to write a paper about the ethics of contemporary mental health nursing practice. It is not proving an easy task! The paper has already had two different drafts reviewed by the journals peer reviewers, and vastly different views expressed on the quality and standard of the argument in the papers discussion. We are using some of Aristotle ideas as the basis for developing our analysis, which is where the challenge comes from. Aristotle was a Greek philosopher whose writings were the first to create a comprehensive system of Western philosophy, encompassing morality and aesthetics, logic and science, politics and metaphysics.

I am pleased to say that much progress was achieved, and a third and hopefully what will be the final and successful draft is beginning to emerge. I enjoy writing and words fascinate me. More than anything words have the power to change things. While words can hurt, intrigue, inform, embolden, show care and love in equal measure, words can also cause great amusement.

I found a headline in yesterdays Times very amusing. The story was about Michele Bachmann, a woman tipped to be the Republican most likely to oust Barak Obama in the forthcoming US presidential elections. The headline was Bachmann turns on the overdrive as Palin teases. What a brilliant play on words I thought. But perhaps you need to be a reader of a certain age to understand.

Bachman Turner Overdrive was a super group of the 1970’s. Their most famous song was You aint seen nothing yet –  a song about a man who meets and falls in love with a devil woman. His is an unrequited love, whereas she keeps the relationship going through  promises of excitement and enjoyment, hence the songs title. It is somewhat ironic then that in 1983, Margaret Thatcher on a visit to the US famously quoted the songs title when making a speach to Ronald Reagan. She has just been elected for a second term, and her promise to the British people was of better times to come. History would seem to suggest that peole experienced those better times in different ways!
And for Fathers everywhere today, have a  Happy Fathers Day. 

Trust Yourself - Wholly Strange and New

Can you remember a moment in your life when you had life in yourself and it was wholly strange and new? Can you remember the moment when you stopped walking a path of someone else, and started cutting your own?

Write about that moment. And if you haven’t experienced it yet, let the miracle play out in your mind’s eye and write about that moment in your future.

Image from here

You have no idea literally i'm going to take this one - the moment when I "had life in myself " and it was " wholly strange and new "? That moment, for me, was the day i found out i was pregnant. Literally the first time i life inside myself ( is your mind being blown yet? ) and every single thing about it was new and strange - yet somehow oddly ...well...right.

When i found out i was pregnant, even though it was only 3 months into my relationship with Mick ( yes, you read that right, 3 months when i found out, so i would have fallen pregnant 6 weeks into the relationship ), it was like everything i had ever dreamt of was falling into place. Not all that fanciful travelling the world, winning Lotto, marrying a bazillionaire kind of stuff - the romantic notion of what my everyday life would be like. I had the man who loved me, i was going to be a mother, i had a good job and a supportive family. Puzzle pieces were finally appearing to fit together.

And then one that i thought was so firmly in place fell out - the " best friend " piece. When i told her i was pregnant she stopped talking to me for a while. She thought it was far too early in the relationship ( even though the pregnancy wasnt planned ), that i shouldnt be having a baby at all and (admitted after the fact ) that she was jealous that I was pregnant and she wasnt. Even though at the time i was so desperately upset and confused, in retrospect i think those collective moments were the ones that really set me on my own path. Til then i had lived so much in her shadow - always the funny friend who never had a steady boyfriend, who didnt go to uni, who didnt have as good a job or as much money. Always living so much of my life vicariously through her because she seemed to have most of her puzzle pieces already in place. I was happy to just to sit on the sidelines and be her cheerleader. But, after those moments, after the hurtful silence and then the angry, bitter words.... after that, i realised how much i needed to step up, and step out, and become my own woman in order to be the best (future)wife and mother and human being i could be.

And, as most of my regular readers would know, we dont talk anymore. We havent spoken a word in at least 8 months now. I have missed her a lot, in small quiet moments, or in times of celebration, but i've tried to keep my chin up and walk my path with other, better, people at my side. The rest of my puzzle pieces are still in place and who knows? Maybe i'll never find a perfect fit for that " best friend " piece - maybe i'll try a whole bunch of other pieces and they'll each suffice for a time but none of them will ever fit the way she did. But what i do know is i'm stronger now for having lost her, and i'll keep pushing forward on my path, puzzle complete or not....

Polly Dolly - Baby Love

So - its time again for another Polly Dolly challenge, brought to you by the lovely Dani over at Danimezza. This week Dani is getting a bit clucky, because she'd like to know what we would wear to a ....

I had my baby shower in November, which meant that i was hot, sticky and had some major swelling going on. We had a lovely afternoon tea at my mum and dads, and i wore denim maternity shorts and a sweet, floral print, maternity cami. However.... i would love to have worn this maxi dress. It has plenty of room for a bump and would keep me nice and breezy. Sensible flats that also allow room for my swollen elephant feet, a funky wooden bangle and some aviators to keep away the sun. We'd have cute cupcakes and other delicious pastries, and a ( non-alcoholic ) pink lemonade. Someone would have bought me the Pandora pram charm, and no doubt i would have received some cute baby clothes and lovely baby bath products ( including multi coloured rubber duckies! )
What would you wear to your baby shower?

Teaching the Dismal Science

Attitudes toward President Obama have changed drastically since last year here in western Maine. I just finished correcting my final batch of about six dozen elderly interviews which I’ve been assigning to students around here for thirty years. There will be no more since I’ll become a former history teacher after Friday. Students select someone seventy years old or older. ask the twenty questions I give them, and then ask ten they make up themselves. One assigned question asks who their favorite president was and why. The other asks who their least favorite president was and why.

Answers to the first question have always varied widely with no president getting a majority. However, a plurality each year for the entire thirty years has gone to Franklin Roosevelt. As for why, the typical answer has always been that “He got us out of the Depression.” Last year, President Obama got quite a few endorsements for favorite president - about fifteen or so if I remember correctly. Most people said things like: “He’s turning the economy around,” or “He’s going to help the little guy,” or “He’s very smart.” This year, however, only three people indicated that Obama was their favorite president. Instead, he got about fifteen votes for least favorite - second only to Richard Nixon.

For the past three years or so, George W. Bush was selected by about fifteen people for least favorite president but he was only mentioned three times this year. Evidently people in western Maine hold Obama responsible for our weak economy, even though he’s has been blaming Bush for nearly three years now. The bloom is definitely off the Obama rose if my informal annual polling is any guide.

One lesson from all this is that James Carville’s “It’s the economy, stupid” advice to his client Bill Clinton in the 1992 campaign sustains today. More recent histories like Amity Schlaes’s “The Forgotten Man,” question the enduring myth that President Roosevelt “got us out of the Depression.” She makes a strong case that his New Deal policies worsened and prolonged the Great Depression rather than ended it. Roosevelt surrounded himself with big-government control freaks who were fervent believers in the ideas that came to be known as Keynesian economics after the late British economist John Maynard Keynes. They borrowed and spent with the notion that they were priming an economic pump, or jumpstarting an economic engine which would rev up under their hyper-regulatory direction. They went off the gold standard and set the value of money by fiat. The Federal Reserve went along, just as it is going along with Obama’s new-New Deal now.

None of it worked, but Roosevelt seemed to be doing something. He convinced enough people in his fireside chats that happy days were here again, even if they weren’t. President Obama and his economic team are using the same tactics and getting the same results. Keynesian economics didn’t work for Roosevelt and they didn’t work for Johnson, Nixon, Ford, or Carter either. What’s it called when someone tries the same thing over and over, expecting a different result?

Reagan, by contrast, believed in the ideas of Frederick Hayek, who suggested that government should stay out of business affairs and let markets work things out. My students studied the conflicting economic ideas of Keynes vs Hayek this year and how they’ve played themselves out in the 20th century. John Papola and Russ Roberts put together a clever rap video outlining the conflicting ideas of the two economists, the refrain of which states: “They’ve been going back and forth for a century. ‘I want to steer markets [says Keynes];’ ‘I want them set free [says Hayek].’”

My students loved it so much they were singing it in the hallways by their lockers after class and showed it to their parents on Youtube. Then last month, an equally clever Round Two was produced. Lots of ideas were packed into the lyrics and imagery in each and both moved very fast, but they were great motivators in my quest for students to learn principles of what many refer to as the “dismal science” of economics.

My hope is that at least some of my charges will go away with a conceptual understanding of what government’s role in the economy should be. Maybe that will at least partially offset the enduring myth that Keynesian economic policies worked under Franklin Roosevelt.

Voters, meanwhile, are trusting their own judgement on how those ideas are working out under President Obama. Let’s hope that’s reflected in the 2012 election results.

A ( Long ) Weekend By The Numbers

Its been a while since i've done a Weekend By The Numbers post ( the last one was in October of last year! ) and, seeing as i'm not inspired by todays #Trust30 prompt, i've decided to skip it and do a weekend run down instead....

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1 - date gone on with Mick. Oh yea, we left Flynn in the very capable ( and loving ) hands of my parents so we could go to the movies together.

3 - movies watched this weekend. " Pirates 4 " at the movies with Mick, " Shrek Forever After " at home with the boys and " Black Swan " at home by myself. Can i just say - Nina from "Black Swan "? Total nutcase...

140 - dollars spent on two suits and two ties for Mick and his best man for our wedding. They were business suits marked down from $200 at Lowes - oh yea, we are awesome savvy shoppers!

10 - blissful hours of sleep on Saturday night, when i had the night to myself. Mick had gone away to his brothers for the night, and i asked my parents if Flynn could have a sleep over so i could have sometime to myself... and they said " of course! " so i gotta to sit home Saturday night, watch " Sister Act2 ", Twitter, blog, read some of my book ( " Deliverance From Evil " by Frances Hill ) and eat icecream....all whilst being uninterrupted!

7 - hours spent in the Emergency ward early Monday morning with Flynn ( and his teddy bear, Bruce ). He'd come down with croup (again - this is the 3rd time in about 9 months ) so i had him in bed with me so i could monitor his breathing. He'd had the cough before, but never the horrible, wheezing stridor. At 1:30am he sat up, crying, trying to get in air but all you could was the squeak as the air struggled to get down into his lungs, and he was twitching his limbs and hot all over. I hastily put on my slippers, warm dressing gown ( and, strangely, my bra... ) and took him straight to the hospital. They put him on some nebulised adrenalin to open the airways, and then gave him a shot of steroids to help keep them open. 4 more hours of monitoring ( and trying to sleep on a narrow ER bed... not.comfy. Jan ) and we were allowed to go home... and, thankfully, he was much better last night. ( Oh, and in case you were concerned, Bruce the teddy has hit ears and his heart checked and he is ok aswell ).

25 - dollars my Mum spent on a pair of boots for me, just 'cause she wanted to by me a present. You have to love the specials at Rivers - boots that were originally $80 for $25? yes please! And oh - thank you Mum!

50 - approximate number of times Flynn has said " Luff you Mummy! " this weekend. Some when i dropped him at Poppy's for his sleepover; some at the hospital when he was all upset, cuddled up on my lap; and a whole bunch yesterday afternoon when he had his strength back a bit, running around the loungeroom like a man man. Gotta love those 3 little words....

Trust Yourself - Suprise

( By Ashley Ambirge ) Think of a time when you didn’t think you were capable of doing something, but then surprised yourself. How will you surprise yourself this week?

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Let me say this - suffering through depression and social anxiety disorder, i constantly suprised myself with things i had  to do in order to get better. Simple everyday things, like striking up a conversation with a stranger or eating lunch by myself in a public place ... things i said ( to my counsellor or psychiatrist ) " I'll never to be able to do that! ".... i did them. So take those small things and multiple them by like a hundred and you get the biggest challenge you could throw at someone with social anxiety disorder : move to the other side of the world and live in a communty where you dont know anyone. Not a single soul.

A monumentally huge challenge in fact. But, even though i doubted myself a bazillion times, i was determined that this was one challenge i was going to make it through. And, in the end, not only was i suprised that i stuck it out but i was also suprised at how easy it seemed to be. Moving to the US to live with and work for a family i had never meant was daunting, but i was amazed at how quickly i felt accepted as one of them. I thought i'd be lucky to make one friend while i was there, but by the end of my year i was the " go to girl " for new au pairs coming in to the community, the one who was asked to take them out for dinner and show them around. I thought i might struggle with suburban/city living ( having come from a rural background ) but i took to NJ and New York City like a duck to water. All those things were once on my " No way Jose! " list but, in the end, the ease with which i accomplished them suprised not only me, but others too.

So what will i do to suprise myself this week? I think it may revolve around some training i have to do for work on Wednesday... i could either:
a) suprise myself by NOT getting cranky at management i'll have to deal with or
b) suprise myself by telling them to take theur job and shove it.
Option a) is definately going to be the better option for me right now, so lets just hope i dont get annoyed enough to run my mouth!

A new School in the Making, Gardening and Making Black Champagne

Last week was a long and, at times, a confusing week. There was one more panel to sit on – a ‘Any Questions’ type of panel focused upon the relationship between a supervisor and a student undertaking a PhD – the panel was part of the University’s Post Graduate Student Research Conference, where students get to present their work. The conference was attended by 180 people and was inspirational in its variety, vibrancy and sheer energy; it was a real privilege to be part of the event.

On Friday the School had its last School Development Day in its current form. From September this year the School will be re-born as the School of Nursing, Midwifery and Social Work. The new School will be the largest in the University with some 200 academic staff, and 4500 under graduate students, mainly studying on pre-qualifying professional programmes. It was the first time I had the opportunity to meet all the colleagues who will make up the new School. My passion for chickens seemed to confuse those who were hearing me present at School Congress for the first time.

However, apart from a lovely meal at the Mint Hotel with colleagues from the other Greater Manchester Universities, much of the week was unremittingly stressful. And yesterday was a wonderful opportunity to unwind and relax, to find a way of recharging my batteries. A good friend recently reminded me that: if you want to be happy for an hour, have a glass of wine; if you want to be happy for a year fall in love; but if you want to be happy forever, make a garden. So after doing the chores, it had to be a day in the garden.

Once the lawns were mown, hedges trimmed, trees pruned and weeds pulled, there was time to take in the changes. This year the Sambucus nigra is in full flower, with lots of blossom. Predictably perhaps, I prefer this black version of the popular elderberry. And I am not alone. Black elderberry has been used medicinally for hundreds of years. It’s even been known to cure ‘man flu’. More seriously, a 2009 study found that the H1N1 inhibition activities of the elderberry flavonoids compared favorably to the known anti-influenza activities of Tamiflu.

My interest is in the flowers is more esoteric – despite the fact the leaves, seeds, roots and flowers contain cyanide, I want to find out if I can make black elderflower champagne. I’ve made ordinary white elderflower champagne for years, but this is the first time I have enough black flowers to have a go. Watch this space.

The perfect end of a day in the garden yesterday was hearing Robert Miles ‘Children’ coming on the iPod as I cooked dinner. I have two 160 GB iPods each holding different sets of music – it’s a lot of music, and as the iPods are set to random play, it was serendipity that I got to hear this music again. I defy anyone to listen to the music and not start dancing – this music will make you move – even Billy was dancing up and down on his perch.

I first listened to this music some 16 years ago, driving across the Mojave Desert on my way to Las Vegas. From LA to Vegas it is one straight long long road, and putting Robert Miles Dreamland tape in the player made the journey such a good one. Ironically, Miles wrote the music in response to the number of deaths due to car accidents as clubbers drove across the country overnight, falling asleep at the wheel from strenuous dancing as well as alcohol and drug use. DJs such as Miles recognised the need to create and play slower, calming music to conclude a night's set.

And that quote about happiness, it was one David Burpee (he dropped out of University to look after the family business selling seeds), who is acknowledged as the person who made the original Chinese proverb famous. Interestingly, as a gardener, Burpee was more concerned in the nutritional value of flowers rather than the vegetables his family had traditionally sold. However it’s not known what he thought about drinking Black Elderberry champange.

Trust Yourself - Divine Idea

Write down in which areas of your life you have to overcome these suicidal tendencies of imitation, and how you can transform them into a newborn you – one that doesn’t hide its uniqueness, but thrives on it. There is a “divine idea which each of us represents” – which is yours?

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This one completely has me stumped ( i think it may be, in part, to all that grandiose language.... ). There is a divine idea which represents me? Really? Thats the first i've heard of it...

Please not the hint of sarcasm here, but truth be told i really dont know what to say here. I understand what the question is asking - in what areas of my life am i just following along and copying the crowd, holding my true self back by feeling like i have be the same as everyone else.... i just dont think there are any. There is nothing where i'm really trying to  " keep up with the Joneses ". There are, of course, things that others have that i would like; attributes that others have that i inspire to cultivate in myself. But nothing where i am deliberately cloning the behaviour of others in order to do... what ? Fit in? No - i learned a while back that no matter how hard i tried, monkeying the behaviour of others in order to become i wanted to be wasnt going to work. Not for me anyway - "fake it til you make it " might work for other people, but it was never going help me out.

So, in conclusion.... i have no asnwer. I dont know what my " divine idea " is yet ( and to be quite frank, that whole phrase just sounds so ..so... pompous to me ), but what i do know is that being a sheep and following along, in imitation of others, is not going to help me find it...

Trust Yourself - Your Personal Message

( By Eric Handler ) What is burning deep inside of you? If you could spread your personal message RIGHT NOW to 1 million people, what would you say?

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I'd say - mistakes are only human; whats important is that we learn from them. Negative emotions will come, im many forms ( revenge, jealousy, bitterness, lonliness, hatred ) but as hard as it is we need to let ourselves feel them... as humans we need to experience the full range of the emotional spectrum. In the end, what you make of yourself is entirely up to you - hold steady to the good things, let go of the bad, and remember always that you are an important part of the universe. Without you, it literally wouldnt be the same....

Trust Yourself - Scared To Do

( By Mary Jaksch )Emerson says: “Always do what you are afraid to do.” What is ‘too scary’ to write about? Try doing it now.


You know what - i think i've written about quite a bit of " scary " stuff on here. Depression, suicide, loneliness, heartbreak, lying, manipulation and selfishness. Thats some pretty scary shit right there, some stuff that i know other bloggers wouldnt even contemplate writing about. But back when i started this blog, thats primarily what it was for - it was a way of externalising all those things that were weighing me down. It really didnt matter to me whether anyone else read it or not ( although helpful comments were always appreciated ). So when i first saw the question posed in this prompt, i really didnt know what i could answer with. " I've done all the scary stuff - end question " ? And then it hit me...

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Revenge. Cold, hard, bitchin' revenge. I dont want to admit the feelings i'm having because to even think them makes me sick - what kind of person must i bet to feel this way? Doesn't even having these thoughts make me just as bad as she was? Or does it make me as bad as she said i am? But now here i am, going to admit them, in writing, for all of you to judge .... and thats scary. But you know what would be so satisfying to me? The " revenge " that would make me feel so much better about the way she treated me? What would make me feel like the "winner" ?

Falling pregnant and having another beautiful baby before she does....