The Start Of A Journey

So - today is exactly 3 months until my wedding. 3 measly little months - but for all the little things i have to do in the meantime, it may aswell only be three days. But this post is not about wedding preparations... no, today i want to pose a question. Some of you may or may not be able to answer it, but it is really more about me getting things off my chest and out of my headspace.


So.... how long did it take you to fall pregnant after you stopped taking the Pill? Or more to the point - how long will it take me?

Pic from here

I've found myself really starting to think - and to worry - about trying to conceive this last week or so. I know this will sound petty to the beautiful few of you who have been TTC for years, and havent yet been blessed.... but i'm trying to figure out when to stop taking the Pill to give myself the best chance of conceiving by the end of the year.

There is the notion that it takes a month or two for the hormones in the Pill to leave your system, so maybe i should stop it now - but then there is the advice i read that says you only have to miss one single, solitary little pill for your body to start ovulating, which means you could fall pregnant straight away. I tend to believe the later. Why? I was ON the Pill when i fell pregnant with Flynn. From memory i think i missed two pills one weekend ( i had gone to stay at Micks and forgot to take them with me ) and though we were "careful " i managed to fall pregnant in those two days. ( I think that is partly what upset my ex-best friend so much - she had, unbeknownst to me, been trying hard for a while to have a child with no success, and i'd done it with no intention, and at the drop of a hat ).

But thats the thing - i acknowledge that it was incredibly against the odds for me to fall pregnant after being unintentionally off the Pill for two days. I was ( even though it wasnt planned ) extremely lucky. Surely i cant be that lucky again, second time round? I cant just assume that because my body adjusted itself so quickly that time, that it will be able to do so again. I'm hoping that i can, staying on the Pill, have a period the last week in October, get married the first weekend in November, and then fall pregnant on my honeymoon, or by Christmas at the latest. Thats the dream scenario - no period craziness for my wedding and honeymoon, and pregnant within a two month window.

Am i reaching for the stars here? Am i going to be beyond devastated if it doesnt all fall into place so easily? I've been wanting another child for months now, been getting clucky ( and jealous ) for every woman i know who's fallen pregnant while i wait to fit into my wedding dress. I've watched Flynn cuddle a 4 week old baby, i've watched him stroke the babys fluffy head, and say softly " aww, baby Mum...baby ", and i've wanted for it to be us - for it to be mine and Micks baby, for it to be a baby brother or sister for my Flynny.

I guess all i can do is wait - 3 months for the wedding day ( and night! ) and who knows how long til i get two blue lines on that little plastic stick....

That Old, Ugly Feeling...

Does anyone else have those little meltdowns, those days when your whole mood is just completely off kilter and there isnt much you can do to change it?


Yea, well i had one of those on Sunday. I woke feeling not quite right, like halfway through the night the happy, satisfied part of myself had decided to slip between the sheets and not show her face in the morning. I felt frumpy, tired, ugly and irritable. I thought dressing up a little would lift my mood, so instead of my usual jeans/jumper/Converse All Stars combo i threw some tights on under a summer dress, with a cardy and boots. I really liked my outift ( way cute! ) but, even so, it did little to liven me up. Now i just felt like a fat, ugly frump wearing a pretty dress. So - no better then. I tried to put on a smiley happy face but it didnt stop the sense of "blah, blah, shitty, blah " from spreading through the inside of me. Even Micks playful teasing - which i usually give as good as i get - didnt make me smile. In fact, it only served to make me feel worse.

Image from here

And why? Was there a reason for this overwhelming feeling of ugly emptiness? I kept telling Mick "no, i dont know, not really ", telling him that i was just having a bad day. But that wasnt exactly true...

She's having another baby.
She's having another baby, and i'm not.

Why oh why is my sense of self-worth so still tied up with her? Why is the way i feel about myself so bound by what she does, or thinks, or says? Why can i feel so fulfilled and happy and confident in what i have and what i want, but one Facebook status is enough to bring me undone? And i cant even see the status ( i was "de-friended", remember? ) so i hear the news from Mick, and i have to bite my lip and say " Oh, really? Good on them " without also saying " I wish we were having one now too ".

Because, believe it or not, i am both happy for her and extremely jealous - even though my plans for a baby are only a few months from getting underway ( as it were... ). For some reason, the fact that she is adding to her family first makes me unbelievably sad for myself, like again i'll be sitting in her shadow and she'll be getting the things i would like to have for myself. Which, in retrospect, is probably how she felt when i was pregnant.... she had been trying to conceive for a while and there i was, falling pregnant accidentally. The difference is a) she already had everything else, and had it for a long time, while i was plodding along with the lower paid job, living with my parents while i saved for a home, spending years without a man to love me, having to scrimp and save for every little thing i wanted, when everything else came so easily to her.... and b) i can be envious that its not my time BUT i can still wish her the best. She didnt do that for me.

So, even though we havent spoken for almost a year, i sent her a message of congratulations. I got a polite, yet curt, " Thank you " in return. I dont know what i was expecting - if anything at all - but i had hoped for something more. Selfishly maybe - maybe sending her a message was inappropriate, like i was trying to get something from her that she isnt willing to give. Maybe it was me subconsciously trying to say " See? This is what you should have done for me. Why couldnt you just put your jealousy aside ? ". I dont know. I dont want to psycho-analyse myself anymore, I'm tired of picking apart and second guessing the choices i make ( made. didnt make. apparently made... ). Whats is done now but what remains is that there is a baby on the way, but its not on its way to me... and i feel like a failure.

Trust Yourself - Scared To Do

( By Mary Jaksch )Emerson says: “Always do what you are afraid to do.” What is ‘too scary’ to write about? Try doing it now.


You know what - i think i've written about quite a bit of " scary " stuff on here. Depression, suicide, loneliness, heartbreak, lying, manipulation and selfishness. Thats some pretty scary shit right there, some stuff that i know other bloggers wouldnt even contemplate writing about. But back when i started this blog, thats primarily what it was for - it was a way of externalising all those things that were weighing me down. It really didnt matter to me whether anyone else read it or not ( although helpful comments were always appreciated ). So when i first saw the question posed in this prompt, i really didnt know what i could answer with. " I've done all the scary stuff - end question " ? And then it hit me...

Image from here

Revenge. Cold, hard, bitchin' revenge. I dont want to admit the feelings i'm having because to even think them makes me sick - what kind of person must i bet to feel this way? Doesn't even having these thoughts make me just as bad as she was? Or does it make me as bad as she said i am? But now here i am, going to admit them, in writing, for all of you to judge .... and thats scary. But you know what would be so satisfying to me? The " revenge " that would make me feel so much better about the way she treated me? What would make me feel like the "winner" ?

Falling pregnant and having another beautiful baby before she does....

What Is Wrong With Some Women?

So - there has been a report in my local media this past week that 30% of women think its okay to drink alcohol whilst pregnant, despit knowing the risks. What the?

Where were these women during physical education classes at high school? And for those of them who have children, where were they when their doctors and midwives were explaining the do's and dont's of pregnancy to them ? Its absolutely mental to me to think that some women can't put two and two together - alcohol is not entirely good for adults, let alone tiny, growing baby-type persons. Drinking alcohol during pregnancy may induce fetal alcohol syndrome, which can result in deformities, low birth weights or even brain damage. Why take the risk?

And what i cant believe is the amount of women who DO take the risk. For example, i have an aunt who is due to give birth in the next two weeks. I'm not going to mention her age but suffice to say she falls into the " older " mother category - this, of course, brings its own complications. However this, coupled with blood clots in previous pregnancies, hasnt stopped her having a tipple or two at functions during her pregnancy. I wanted to scream at her that she has so much to lose and so many risks with her pregnancy already, why was she pushing the envelope? But its hardly my place to tell a women who already has children whats best for her and her pregnancy, me being a first time mum and all. And i have a Facebook friend ( who isnt actually a real life friend, just a girl i went to school with and was scared of... ) who is pregnant with her 3rd child and every second Facebook statu update is " Blah Blah is having a smoke " or " Blah Blah is getting her drink on ". Why?????

Admittedly, i run a few risks while i was pregnant - i ate deli meat and soft serve ice cream because i hadnt been told not to. But when i did find out, i stopped. It didnt hurt me to go without, even with cravings. But more importantly, it didnt hurt my baby. And is that the important thing?

Its Real - and Its Hilariously Scary....

I dont mean to alarm you but.... i'm getting dumber by the minute. Its ok, i have an excuse, but its the excuse itself thats the scary part. All the females reading this may want to sit down for this part but..... baby brain is REAL.

Yes, sadly, i have discovered that old chesnut - that a baby eats your brains cells, effectively making pregnant women stupider - is true. Ok, technically they dont eat your brain cells, but studies have concluded that a womens brain does shrink whilst she is pregnant, a phenomenon commonly known as " baby brain ". Baby brain causes the lucky lady to forget basic things, get all clumsy, and basically make silly, simple little mistakes, the likes of which may cause her embarrasment but will give her family, friends and colleagues hours of laughter.

Case in point: me. Yesterday i had a run of little things, today one big oopsie. See:

* Went to work 20 minutes early so that i could write a letter to a charity. I got out all my details, put them on the coffee table next to my bag... and promptly left them there. So i got to work 20 minutes early for nothing.
* I noticed a discrepancy on my banking reconcilation for the day before. Seeing a payment had been missed i went back in and put the payment on.... but i put it on as the wrong payment type ( cash instead of credit ) so i still ended up with a discrepancy.
* Wrote up said banking and trotted myself off to the bank... where, once the bank teller opened up the bank book i realised i had only written up the cash, not the cheques, nor the deposit total, and i hadnt signed the deposit slip.
* I told Mr Gil i would stop and pick him up an application form for some casual work.... and drove straight home from work without picking up a damn thing.
And the big one....
* This morning i got prepared myself a mid morning snack to take to work, put the rest of the snack ingredients back in the fridge.... and then left for work with the fridge door wide open. Yes, i almost spoiled a whole fridges worth of food. Luckily it is only 4 hours between when i start and when i come home for lunch, so i was able to save everything before it went off. All except MR Gils deli meat for his sandwiches... looks like peanut butter for him tomorrow.

And so - if the quality of the writing on this blog should slip, should i leave a comment on your blog that makes no sense at all, or i generally disappear from the blog world ( because i have forgotten about blogging )..... please forgive me. I suffer from baby brain.

That Cannot Even Make Sense....

What doesnt make sense ? This:

Just in the last week or so i have started to feel much heavier and quite ungainly at times - you know, like every other pregnant woman on the planet. However, i'm kind of worried that my bump is on the smallish side. As in, too small for my stage of pregnancy. Which is 22 weeks ( 23 on Monday ).

So how can it make sense that i feel heavier and awkward and ungainly - but i also feel too small ?

Good question, yea ? Answers anybody ? No, okay, maybe i'll just ask my obstetrician on Tuesday......

The Itchy and Scratchy Show

No, not the famed cat and mouse show-within-a-show. Nope, this one is starring me, and my dry, pregnant skin. I'm itching people, and its driving me nuts.

I did a little Googling, checked my favourite pregnancy website ( www.babycentrer.com.au , if anyone else finds themselves pregnant ) and i found out that itching skin in pregnancy is not uncommon. Apparently, around 20% of women find there skin becomes more sensitive and they experience a generalised itching that they havent had before, which becomes worse in winter ( when dry skin is already an issue ). Which is little comfort really.

Here's the scenario: the sensation comes and goes but i'm finding myself itchy all over my legs and stomach, and even up on my chest. And its an itch i just cant scratch! I cant get comfortable at home, or find myself needing to scratch inappropriate times in public. I checked with a pharmacist ( who also happens to be a yoga teacher.... ) and she recommended i get something completely natural so its safe for the baby, so after some consultation with a naturopath i've come home with goats milk soap and moisturiser. I'll give it a few days and see how it goes.... otherwise my next alternative is either some natural oils that smells like rotting vegetation, or scratching my skin right off. Neither ones of those sounds particularly appealing.

So - anyone have any remedies they wana share ? Any particular utensils you can recommend for maximum scratch relief ? Any help would be appreciated people....

I've Always Liked Suprises

So, now that i have the initial task of revealing my little secret out of the way, i suppose i should expand on the whole story. Shouldnt i ?

Like i said, Mr Gil and i havent been together very long. Only a matter of months in fact. And i am the first to admit that if this were happening to anyone else i would sit back and go " Woah, thats kind of a big step so early, isnt it ? " I wouldnt judge it as being right or wrong, just fast is all. And yep, it is fast. Never in my life, when picturing myself settling down and having babies, did i picture it happening at such an early stage of a relationship. But you know what ? I'm happy. Deliriously happy. Also just a little afraid - everyone is a little afraid when heading into the unknown - but mostly just really excited and happy.

I did a home test to find out. I wont go into specifics about what precautions may or may not have been taken, but after being four or five days "late" i thought it couldnt hurt to take a test, just in case. Right ? When i looked down and saw that there were two little pink lines ( for positive ) and not just one ( for negative ), i'll admit to being momentarily floored. Two lines ? What the ? Really ? I left the test in the bathroom and went to make a sandwich, just in case the result might have changed by the time i came back. But it didnt.... and when i realised what those two lines potentially meant i cracked into probably the biggest grin i've ever grinned.

Also, my heart may have almost beat its way right of my chest. But i composed myself and called my GP to make an appointment to have a blood test to confirm. As luck would have it they could squeeze me in that afternoon. I told the girls at work that i was going to have a flu shot, and nobody was any the wiser. Except Mr Gil of course - i called him after i'd left the doctors surgery to tell him what was going on.

To be honest, i wasnt afraid of a negative reaction from him. I was confident that aside from the initial shock he would be excited... and he was. And still is. Almost everyday he tells me how excited he is, how happy he is, how much he cant wait for " us " to be a family. Its really wonderful to feel so supported by my partner. And by our families also. This will be the third grandchild for my parents, and the fifth for his. Our brothers and sisters are happy for us aswell, especially my brother and his wife - they, as you know, are parents to two beautiful little girls but they will be first time uncle and aunt.

And thats about enough for today. I dont want this to turn into an exclusivley " I'm pregnant!!!!! " blog. I dont want to be making posts on the smallest of details or developements, or writing only about the changes to my body. I hate when blogs that i love get overrun with just one topic all the time - whether it be the new relationship, a baby, a new job, whatever - so i hereby swear that i will do my best to not rave on about babies all the time. Of course, there will be times when something big happens that i want to share, or times when i want to just get thoughts and feelings of my chest.

But promise me that if it comes to a point where everything is babies!babies!babies! ..... you'll point it out ? Even if it means throwing an internet shoe at me ?

The Time Has Come

Right - so remember that thing that i said i would eventually write about, i just wasnt going to reveal what it was at the time ? Yea, well, the time has come. Drum roll please....

I, Amy, of Insomniatic Musings.... I am pregnant.

Read it again if you have to, but it will say the same thing. I'm 25 years old, and i am going to be a mumma before my 26th birthday.

You are probably sitting back and doing your math about how long i have been with Mr Gil - yes, i will confirm for you that it has not been a long time, and this pregnancy was not planned. It was a suprise - a beautiful, amazing, terrifyingly scary suprise. I am - we are - very happy. I've always wanted to be a mum and i was beginning to despair that it would never happen. But now it is, and with a man that i am deeply in love with, even after what is a relatively short time.

I'll keep this short - its late, and as i've discovered, the early stages of pregnancy make me tired - and i'll provide more details later. I just wanted to share my news with.... well.... everyone!