Go Now, Into The Light

I have just come from the funeral of the schoolmate i mentioned here.

I cried - i cried tears of empathy for his mother and the mother of his children, both whom were shuddering with big, animalistic sobs. I cried tears of grief for his children, who will grow up without a daddy. And i cried tears of happiness for myself, that somewhere inside i found the strength that he could not, and escaped the same fate.

And i was ashamed. Who cries for themselves at a funeral? I have every empathy for his family, even more so that i am now a mother, and each moan that escaped his mothers body broke my heart. My own parents have had to bury a child, so i have some understanding of how much strength it would have taken for her to stand in front of everyone and place loved possessions on her sons coffin. I hate that they have so many unanswered questions, and that they'll never get the chance to have them answered, except when posed hypothetically. I cried tears for all of that, for their heartbreak and their grief and their anger. Yet, mostly, i cried for myself. Everytime suicide was mentioned my thoughts turned to how close i came to that decision, and the lyrics of the songs his family chose to farewell their son, brother and friend brought me further undone.

I didnt attend the internment - i felt i didnt have a close enough relationship to be at this more intimate rite of a funeral, and that my presence at the funeral ceremony was enough to show my respect. Instead, i drove straight home and gave my son the biggest hug i could muster, and sent Mick a message telling him how much i love him. Its all i could do and i hope, in case of dire circumstance, it will be enough....

Songs for all occasions: Part #1

So i'm going to borrow an idea from the wonderful Steph over at The Panic Room - she recently madea tongue-in-cheek post about what songs she would consider having played at her funeral ( because she couldnt picture ever getting married .... ). I, however, have actually considered these from time to time and am going to make a list of actual choices i would make, if anybody asks me in advance. It might be morbid, but it think i've mentioned to my mother once or twice " Hey, can you hear this song ? Play it for me when i die! ". To which she usually replies " I'll already be dead by then! " . Yep - morbid. Anyhoodle, here's my list:

• " It Can't Rain All The Time " - Jane Siberry
• " Dance With You " - Live
• " Hallelujah " - Jeff Buckley ( or the version by KD Lang )
• " Walk On " - U2
• " Don't Dream Its Over " - Crowded House

And thats about all for now. There are others I have considered from time to time, but nothing that i can remember right now from the top of my head. I'd want something poignant, something that people would listen to and go " Yep, thats Amy.... ", whether it be because if the lyrics ( whether because they literally remind them of me, or the ideas conveyed remind them of me ) or for the melody and kind of song it is.

I cant help that i've actually thought this thing through - its just one of those things that scrossed my mind before. You know what else has crossed my mind? What songs i would played at any future wedding ( if indeed there ever is one... )

Watch out for wedding songs as the second part of this post!