Surrendered.

Have you ever noticed that there are some things you do for so long that you don't even realize you're doing that until it hits you in the face.
I've done that with God and I didn't even see until I gave up the fight that I had even been fighting.
I've felt God's Calling on my life for about four months now. It's not specifically to missions or ministry or the like just a strong feeling that there's something more that He has planned that wasn't in the life I was planning. However, I did not want to give up MY plans. I wanted both and I was being stubborn trying to figure out how I could have both. How I could go and do what i wanted and still be in God's will.
A couple of weeks ago I had the definite thought, "I feel God's calling on my life." It was the first I'd ever admitted that to myself and it caught me off guard. I had no idea how to explain the feelings I was having. They conflicted so much. I wanted to submit to God's calling but I still wanted to do what I wanted to do and that had me so entirely mixed up.
Last Wednesday my youth minister spoke from Ecclesiastes 5. One of the points he mentioned from that scripture was that sometimes what we want and dream is not what God has for us. We fight and fight and fight some more to keep what we want when we have no right to do that. God is God and we are simply human. That hit me hard and unlocked all of what I had been feeling in regards to my calling. I knew right then that I had been fighting for my wants and not letting God show me what he had in store for me, even though I had prayed for him to reveal that very thing. I told God what I had in mind and wanted to be shown that I was right.
When I realized this I broke inside. All I could think was "I surrender. I surrender." I gave up the fight. Alter call came and I knelt and prayed over and over "I surrender." No two words have ever felt so good or so right.
I surrendered to God's calling.
When I stood back up and went back to my seat I felt the nudge from inside me to tell my youth minister. I pushed it down of course. I needed more time to process. At least that's what I told myself. I know it was God telling me this because the invitation kept being played longer so I gave in a told. Mike (the youth pastor) was so happy. At the end of the service he called me up and shared with the youth my decision to surrender to God's ministry. I just about lost it when I saw my two closest friends faces. They were so happy for me, though their joy was and is nothing compared to the joy I have over this decision.
I can't begin to put into words the peace I have felt this past week. It's a peace that surpasses all things, just like is promised in the Bible. I know so much less about my life and what I'm going to do than I did before, but that in turns makes me know so much more (if that makes any sense). Knowing that I don't have to know what I'm going to do takes some much of the pressure I put on myself. I can't put it in a better way than how I answered a question about what I was called to by a friend that Wednesday.
"I don't know what I'm called to...I'm just willing. That's my calling now...Whatever God wants me to do is what I'm going to do."