Step 1: Find. Step 2: Lose

So i've been doing a lot of thinking over the past week or so, and i think i've come to a realisation of sorts : i've lost myself. Or at least part of myself, a big defining part, and i think its holding me back. I know a lot of women say they lose themselves after becoming a mother, but thats not what i mean - on the contrary, i believe becoming a mum has added to what i define as "me". What i'm talking about is since my best friend "dumped " me, so many things that i thought i knew about myself, definable truths, have been completely shattered, to the point where i've lost something really important.

If i can no longer say " My name is Amy, i'm an Aquarian and my best friends name is Blahdy Blah " then what can i say about myself ? For 10 years that was one confirmed, absolute truth, one thing i never had to question, and it held me stable when other shit got me down. And now? Its not a truth anymore and so much of what i invested in that relatinship seems like it was a facade ( on her side at least... ) that now i'm questioning so much more. I've lost a whole lot of self-confidence because i've been questioning myself so much, and i think that lost of self-esteem has really attributed to my slight weight gain and inability to lose any significant amount of weight. I've lost my "mojo "....for a while there i had the confidence to believe in myself and know that if i put my mind to something, i could do it.

I need to find that again - i need to find that will power and drive that saw me exercising 6 days a week, going out weekends and getting dressed knowing i looked good baby! I know that if i can find that again, i can push myself to be consistent and lose the 10kgs i've promised myself will be gone by November 5th. I'm not sure how i'm going to get it back when someone whom i thought was one of my biggest supporters no longer wants to associate with me, but somehow i'll find a way. There are enough people - good people - in my corner that i'm sure it will be no time before i'm on top of the world again soon enough! And now that i've figured out that i have to find what i've lost in order to lose something else, i can move forward with a goal in mind....

My Weekend, A Story In 3 Parts: Part 3 - Where I Have To Go Home

Yes, I realize that I’ve dragged this story out a little bit – the weekend in question was two weekends ago, but I figured if I’ve labeled it a story in 3 parts, I best finish the third part. In truth the third part is the most boring, but its also the shortest. It’s the bit where I have to pack up my crap, say farewell to P, and head back home to DubVegas.

Like I said, we both loved Cirque Du Soliel’s “ Dralion “ and I loved being able to share it with P, because she hasn’t seen anything like it before. We had planned on having dinner in the Entertainment Quarter before we headed back to the mountains, but we kind of stuffed ourselves full of popcorn during the show and weren’t really hungry anymore. So, rather than hang out for a nice little dinner in the “ city “ we just headed straight home. This wasn’t exactly a bad thing – it gave us the opportunity for more chat without having to hear each other over the din of other diners, plus we made it home in time to catch the majority of the Australia vs Springboks rugby test match . Which, for any Saffa’s reading this, we won.

And that’s about it. Sunday morning, P hosted a Tupperware party. For any women who’ve ever been to one we all know they aren’t the most exciting of events, but I bought this neat little chopper machine – no more tears when cutting onions! Will chop any firm vegetables such as carrots or potato! And, midway through the post-Tupperware ramble, I had to make my exit. The party had started late because other than myself and her mother-in-law, none of P’s other friends know how to be punctual, so I had to say a quick goodbye to P and let her get back to her hosting duties. I would have preferred if I’d had a little more time to say “ hey, had an awesome weekend, thanks for hanging out, I miss you big lots already! “ but these things happen.

And that was it, weekend over. Except for my four and half hour drive home, during which I turned up my road tripping music and gave my best “ Australian Idol “ audition impression ever. And don’t be laughing – you know you all do it too. That’s half the fun of traveling by yourself – you can make like you’re the biggest rock star ever and there’s no-one there to laugh at you.

So, in closing, a big thanks to P for being my bestest buddy, and I’d like to thank the Australian public for voting me their Idol…..

My Weekend, A Story In 3 Parts:Part 2 - Where I Almost Make P Cry

So we enjoyed our dinner at The Mean Fiddler. Incidentally, police statistics released earlier this year showed The Mean Fiddler to be the most violent pub in the state - and my uncle, who is a police sargeant, chose to take us there. Weird. Anyways, we drove the 30 minutes back to P's place ( talking about my uncle and his girlfriend all the way there ) and guess what we found on our return ? P's hubby ( PH) and his best friend S playing Nintendo Wii. We love Wii! Needless to say the next two hours wre spent in a battle for Wii supremacy. We were playing this really nonsensical game with " rabid rabbits " - I was pretty awesome at shooting them with plungers, but not so great at punching them in time to the disco beat. Apparently, i have no ryhthm. And - suprise, suprise - P and I headed to our respective beds WAY before the boys did....

It might have been all the Nintendo played the night before, but come Saturday morning everyone woke up a little sluggish. A little blah, a little meh. I got out of bed at 8:45am and didnt drag myself off to the shower until 11am. Even then it was only because P said we were going to a birthday party at 12pm and if we didnt get a shuffle we'd be late. Who's birthday party, you ask ? A one year olds. A happy 1st birthday. And as entirely un-awesome asit may sound to attend the 1st birthday party of a child you dont know, it was nice to see P interacting with him. I know how badly she wants to be a mother and, also though she doesnt verbalise it, how much she worries about being good at it. In my humble opinion - P will make a great mum! And i'll be an awesome surrogate aunty, the one with the tattoos and crazy travel stories. By the way, it was at this party we made the pact to become " fat nannas " together. Everyone loves a fat nanna - you know, the chubby nan who bakes all the time and lets you sit on her lap for a nanna hug ? Thats going to be us. Fat Nannas.

But i digress. We newly appointed Fat Nannas of the future excused ourselves early and hit the highway. See, the main reason for my visit was that i had got tickets for P and I to see Cirque Du Soleil and it was time to make our way from the mountains to the city. Woo hoo! Now, i dont live in the city but i know how to get from the mountains to Moore Park but guess what ? It was World Youth Day ( Miss Em will feel my pain here ) and there were road closures. Bloody pilgrims! No matter - P and I are two very capable women and were able to read a map and make it there within an hour, no wrong turns or anything. Its okay, you dont have to say it - we rock.

Not only did we make it with no mishaps, we made it with plenty of time up our sleeves. Icecream and a chat solved that dilemma. We grabbed some New Zealand Natural ( mmm... macadamia flavour ) and settled in to deep and meaningful mode. Seeing as it was WYD we settled into some serious religious discussion. As i said, P is newly married, she wants to start a family and I guess she must be looking for that elsuive " something ", because she ecpressed an interest in suddenly attending church and maybe sending any future children to a Catholic school. Curious, i asked why ? P said that all the hype surrounding WYD, the entusiasm of the pilgrims for their faith, the prayers - all that had made her feel good. She thought going to church even once a month might work the same, and it would nice for her children to have God in their lives. Normally i would make some kind of joke but i could see that she was serious. She asked what i thought - i ahd to be honest with her. I told her that i love her and if she felt thats what she needed, and wanted, then i support her 100% - its just not for me. I had religion rammed down my throat when i was younger and at the age of 15 i told my mother, and my priest, that i wouldnt be going to church anymore, that i did believe in God. And i dont - i believe in good and evil, but i dont believe in God and the Devil. I believe the 10 Commandments are good guidelines ( notice i didnt say rules ...) but you should live your life well because it enriches you as a person, not because some supposed spiritual being told you to. I told her that even though it wasnt for me, i had respect that it IS for other people. My respect for others beliefs and how serious they are taken extends so far that, when asked to be my neices godmother, i said no. I told my brother and his wife although i love my neice to bits and that i would always be there for her, i could not go into a place of worship and profess to believing in God and promising to raise her in His church - just to gain some kind of title. That would make me hypocritical.

Thats when i turned back to P. I had been vaguely people-watching as i spoke and when i turned back P had tears in her eyes and this horrified look on her face. " But PH and I had alreayd picked you to be the godmother of our first child ". She looked like i had just broken her heart and her voice was breaking as she spoke. I gave her a hug - " We already picked you and now your saying you wont do it... ". I felt like a complete douche - she was nearly crying! I sat back and explained to her that of course i wanted to be her first borns godmother, it wasnt the godmothering that i was against - it was the trivialisation and manipulation of some people's sacred beliefs and hypocrisy that i was against. Those are my personal principles, a moral code, if you like, that i try and live by, even if it means not gaining something i would like. Then P totally blew me away - " Amy, you must be the strongest person i know ". Verbatim. Thats what she said. And THAT almost made me cry. After some of the shit i have had gone through, lows i've had, how weak i sometimes consider myself, for my best friend to say that i'm the strongest person she knows meant a hell of a lot. And that was it - no more tears. A deep and meaningful to remember.

And then it was show time! I wont go into details because, frankly, this post has gone long enough and i'm suprised anybody is still reading it. Suffice to say, it was awesome. I had seen two Cirque Du Soleil productions before so i knew what to expect, but i'm glad P really enjoyed it. It was nice to be able to share something i like so much within someone totally new to it.

I love sharing!

And then

My Weekend, A Story In 3 Parts: Part 1 - Introducing P

You may have noticed I've been a little inactive over the last few days and thats because I gave myself a two days of the working week off and had a lovely " mental health break ". It was important for my sanity that I have a weekend to just go, hangout and just " be ". And who was i hanging out with ? P, my best friend.

P and I met in high school. She transferred to my school in Year 8 and she was introduced, by the principal, during my English class. You know, it was one of those, " This is P, she's new here, everyone make her feel welcome " kind of situations. As it happened ( and as i frequently like to remind her ), I tried to make her welcome and she was a gigantic, sour biatch. Yes, thats right, on our first meeting I and my other friend V invited P to hang out with us at lunch time and she just looked at us, turned her back and walked off without saying a word. She likes to blame it on being shy and nervous on her first day - I say she was just a big old snobby cow.

Nevertheless, we slowly developed a friendship and by Year 12, our final year of school, we were bestest buddies. We recited line after line of " Billy Madison " and " Dude, Where's My Car ? "; I jumped a fence to back her up during a fight when she was dressed as our school mascot; she laughed everytime i got in trouble off our English teacher ( Buttman, as we dubbed him ) and followed me when i walked out of his class during our last semester. We never went back. We spent English lessons hanging out on a picnic blanket on the grass, near enough to his classroom that he could glare at us through the window. It was the best of times ..... and i'd say the worst of times , but we've never really had any. We've been pretty solid for around nine years, except for a brief period where i thought i was being " dumped " for someone else. But mostly we've been all sweet, and i've really learnt to love and appreciate her.

P now lives four and half hours drive away from me, with her new hubby and her " fur children " ( their term, not mine ). I get along really well with her husband so its not weird going and spending the weekend with two newlyweds. And the fur chidlren.

So off i trundled on Thursday to spend some much needed relaxation time with P. We had some actual " stuff " planned but mostly it was just a chance to catch up and have the deep and meaningfuls that its not as much fun to have over the phone. Her husband cooked us dinner ( she has him well trained .... ) and we settled in for a double episode of " The Amazing Race ". Her husband faded pretty quickly and headed to bed, which left us alone to discuss important things like my recent dates, the plan i am yet to reveal to you all, trying to get pregnant ( her, not me ... ) and how we would make the most awesome-est Amazing Race team - like ever! You know, all the good and important stuff that best friends talk about. We headed to bed late, tired and thirsty from the chit chat. That made it really easy to fall asleep - i had the best nights rest i've had in a LONG time.

Friday saw us doing mundane stuff - like grocery shopping. In fairness, we did need ingredients for the Toblerone cheesecake i had volunteered to make, and P did volunteer to take me shopping for shoes - but i turned that down. I know, i'm teh biggest freak in the world turning down shoe shopping, but honestly i didnt really have the money to spend - just the time. We hang out reading magazines and jibber-jabbering all afternoon and had dinner with my uncle and his girlfriend ( who, incidentally, he proposed to the next day - she said yes! ) at The Mean Fiddler. I ordered a seafood basket with marinated octopus and put a baby one on my fork and wiggled it at her. Immature yes, but thats how we are.

Did you forget that we can recite line after line of " Billy Madison " ?