I Have No Words...

Image from here

The urge to write

It is insane

A buzz inside

My fertile brain.

The subject which to

Touch upon?

An idea once had

But now is gone.

" Bloggers Block "

The proverbial name.

"Baby Brain "

Is sure to blame.

The urge to write

But no words yet...

This stupid poem

Is all you'll get!

Surrendered.

Have you ever noticed that there are some things you do for so long that you don't even realize you're doing that until it hits you in the face.
I've done that with God and I didn't even see until I gave up the fight that I had even been fighting.
I've felt God's Calling on my life for about four months now. It's not specifically to missions or ministry or the like just a strong feeling that there's something more that He has planned that wasn't in the life I was planning. However, I did not want to give up MY plans. I wanted both and I was being stubborn trying to figure out how I could have both. How I could go and do what i wanted and still be in God's will.
A couple of weeks ago I had the definite thought, "I feel God's calling on my life." It was the first I'd ever admitted that to myself and it caught me off guard. I had no idea how to explain the feelings I was having. They conflicted so much. I wanted to submit to God's calling but I still wanted to do what I wanted to do and that had me so entirely mixed up.
Last Wednesday my youth minister spoke from Ecclesiastes 5. One of the points he mentioned from that scripture was that sometimes what we want and dream is not what God has for us. We fight and fight and fight some more to keep what we want when we have no right to do that. God is God and we are simply human. That hit me hard and unlocked all of what I had been feeling in regards to my calling. I knew right then that I had been fighting for my wants and not letting God show me what he had in store for me, even though I had prayed for him to reveal that very thing. I told God what I had in mind and wanted to be shown that I was right.
When I realized this I broke inside. All I could think was "I surrender. I surrender." I gave up the fight. Alter call came and I knelt and prayed over and over "I surrender." No two words have ever felt so good or so right.
I surrendered to God's calling.
When I stood back up and went back to my seat I felt the nudge from inside me to tell my youth minister. I pushed it down of course. I needed more time to process. At least that's what I told myself. I know it was God telling me this because the invitation kept being played longer so I gave in a told. Mike (the youth pastor) was so happy. At the end of the service he called me up and shared with the youth my decision to surrender to God's ministry. I just about lost it when I saw my two closest friends faces. They were so happy for me, though their joy was and is nothing compared to the joy I have over this decision.
I can't begin to put into words the peace I have felt this past week. It's a peace that surpasses all things, just like is promised in the Bible. I know so much less about my life and what I'm going to do than I did before, but that in turns makes me know so much more (if that makes any sense). Knowing that I don't have to know what I'm going to do takes some much of the pressure I put on myself. I can't put it in a better way than how I answered a question about what I was called to by a friend that Wednesday.
"I don't know what I'm called to...I'm just willing. That's my calling now...Whatever God wants me to do is what I'm going to do."

Operation Slimdown - We're Getting There...

Seriously - are you people getting tired of reading about " Operation Slimdown " yet ? I know i'm only doing a diet/exercise/body post once a week but it seems like i'm forever writing about it... anyhoo, yea yea, its Tuesday again so its time for the fortnightly update on where my weight loss is at. Behold - the stats!
Bust: 91cm - down 1cm
Waist: 75.5cm - down 1.5cm
Hips: 97.5cm - down 0.5cm
Bum: 102cm - up 0.5cm
Thigh: 62cm - down 0.5cm
Weight: 68.6kg - down 1.1kg


I'm really happy with that, seeing as i've felt like i've been slacking off a bit. Maybe it only feels that way because i was sooooo strict with the my eating in the first few weeks? I'm not sure, but i'm coming to realise that its ok to have a bit of chocolate, or a small bowl of icecream, or even a yummy yummy Portuguese tart ( mmmm...Portuguese tart... ) a few times a week if i'm keeping everything else under control. Which i am - my portion sizes are much smaller than when i started my third attempt at " Operation Slimdown ", i'm eating way more vegies and i find that i'm not craving rice or pasta at all. I have a nice low-GI muesli for breakfast most mornings ( i occasionally indulge in peanut butter and toast! ) and a wholemeal sandwich or leftovers for lunch. Dinners are my favourite though - you know how i love pour over my cookbooks and magazines and i've really enjoyed some of the new, healthier, dishes i've come across. As has Mick - he hasnt exactly been on a concentrated " diet ", but through healthier eating and a very physical job he's managed to lose around 10kg in the last 3-4 months. Go us!

And now? I'm 9.2kg down in 12 weeks. Only 800g to go until i hit my 10kg goal that i set as my New Years resolution. I'm kind of amazed that i've been able to come this far in a relatively short period of time ( you know, seeing as my original goal included a November deadline.. ). Once i hit the 10kg mark, i would like to push on and reach 65kg - thats roughly how much i weighed when i met Mick, and i think i looked awesome then, so thats the next step in the dance... fingers crossed i lose the 800g by next weigh in though!

Knives and Forks and (S)poons...

So - my normally voraciously appetited son went through a stage last month where no matter what i tried to give him for his dinner, it was being thrown off his plate ( or the spoon knocked from my hand ) and onto the floor. He went from being a baby who would eat pretty much anything to a squirming, screaming, messmaker who was refusing food he loved only the day before. Out of exasperation i started giving him a sandwich, some cheese and some fruit for his dinners, but i knew that the scrimping on the vegies couldnt last too long. To be quite frank, dinner time was doing my head in. Mick and I, being first time parents, had no idea what the bloody hell was happening but we sure as hell knew we needed to put a stop to it ASAP. So, as a first time parent, how do you figure this type of conundrum out? You ask your other, older, wiser mummies. And, thanks to my wonderful work colleague, "Aunty " J, we found a solution....we eat at the table, at the same time.

Mr Flynn, munching on a strawberry...

I know - you're reading this now going " uh...duh Amy! " and yes, in retrospect, it all seems so simple to me too. See, i was feeding Flynn on his own, and then Mick was giving him a bath while I cooked our dinner. Even though he was refusing his own food ( the same yummy chicken-and-rice, stir fries and spaghettis that he's always enjoyed ) Flynn would then happily totter over to us while we were eating and demanding stuff off our plates. I explained all this to J and she just looked at me and smiled and said " He's a big boy now - he wants to eat with you ". Doi! Of course he does! Flynns been able to say " big boy " for about a month now and has been doing all kinds of other " big boy " things, like bing allowed in Daddy's garage or being able to walk into the shops ( very slowly ) holding my hand.... of course he wanted to eat at the table with the grown ups. So that night i went home, cleared off the end of our dining table ( yes, we're guilty of eating in front of the tv watching "Neighbours" instead of using the table... ) and proceeded to cook dinner at a time suitable for us all to eat together. That was last Monday, and we've had a blissful week of Flynn eating most of his dinner and throwing none of it on the floor.

Most nights he's eaten the same meal as us ( except when its been a bit spicy ) and he's going really well. I give him a little bowl of stir fry ( for eg ) and he sits quite contentedly, picking up chunks of chicken and bits of vegies and gulping it all down with copious amounts of milk. I even gave him his own little plastic fork last night, just to see how he went...and he was stabbing the little chunks of meat like a total pro! You know, except that he holds the fork like a tiny caveman and has no table manners whatsoever... even better, Flynn even asked for more vegies! He'd picked out all the capsicum and beans in the bowl and was left only with chicken. When he saw me eating a bean he pointed and grunted and i asked him " Do you want some vegies? " and he points again and goes " bej- ees! ". So now, not only do i have a child who is eating his dinner without throwing it AND is interested in starting to learn to use forks and spoons ( or " poons " as he calls them ) but i have a 15 month old who wants more vegies.

Toddlers - they're so weird!

The New Me...

Image from WeHeartIt

Friday Feast

So - i didnt have much of a response to my idea last week to start a Friday Feast link up. For anyone who missed it, i'd love to start a weekly link up where we contribute ( and thus exchange ) our favourite recipes, whether they be sweet or savoury, simple or gourmet. The budding chef in me would love to find more family and budget friendly recipes, but anything you like would be great! That being said, i didnt have many takers for the idea last week but that wont stop me starting it as a weekly post for myself. Who knows - perhaps it will evolve?

So, this week, i thought i'd start with one of my favourite quick, easy and fresh recipes: Sesame Crusted Salmon with Coleslaw.

Sesame Crusted Salmon With Coleslaw ( serves 2-4 )
* salmon fillets ( get one pieces for each person you'd like to serve )
* 1/2 cup of sesame seeds
* 1/2 small white cabbage, thinly sliced
* 1 large carrot, grated
* 2 sticks of celery, chopped finely

1. Putting the 1/2 cup sesame seeds on a small plate, coat both sides of each salmon fillet with seeds.
2. Heat a teaspoon of vegetable oil in frypan. Place salmon in, seeded side down.
3. Cook for 3- 4 minutes both sides ( or until cooked to your liking ).
4. In the meantime, mix chopped cabbage, grated carrot and chopped celery in large bowl.
5. ( This is where i alternate from time to time... ) Either dress coleslaw in store bought coleslaw dressing or mix 2 tablespoons of sweet chilli sauce with 1 tablespoon of lime juice, for a refreshing Asian style slaw.

And that be it - those proportions are all from memory. Because i only make this meal for Mick and myself, we usually end up with left over coleslaw for the next days lunch, but if you think you'll need more, than just up the amount of vegies by another half or so. Couldnt be easier!

Good Enough Mothers and Great Colleagues

This week I listened to a colleague having a mother – son conversation. It sounded beautiful, yet after the call was finished my colleague described how difficult it had been. I could only say that whatever was going in their world that had caused the difficulty, sons will forever love their Mothers, come what may. It might take time for relationships to become sorted, but they nearly always do. And this is the weekend when both sons and daughters have the opportunity to show their Mothers this love. I believe this special relationship, (a Mother and her child) the Mother, provides the safe ‘container’ we all need in order to learn, fail, succeed and develop as independent individuals.

In psychoanalytic theory, the term ‘container’ is associated first and foremost with the development of the concept of projective identification. It was Melanie Klein who introduced the idea of containment, and Wilfred Bion who referred to it as an inter-personal phenomenon.

In the mother – child relationship, the child projects into the mother parts of the self that are intolerable and full of anxiety. The mother becomes a ‘container’ for the projected parts of the child. Where the mother is aware of what has been projected into her and does something to alleviate her child’s distress, it is possible to say that the mother has contained what was projected. And this is precisely what I witnessed in my colleagues telephone call to her son.

For me I believe this process of mother – child relations can be seen in the therapeutic encounter, and likewise, it can be seen in the way organisations such as our School are able to handle conflict, disappointment, jealousy, and other high expressed emotions.

I have written elsewhere about this, and used another one of my favourites thinkers Donald Winnicott and his notion of the ‘good enough mother’ when thinking about the organisation providing containment. In an organisational sense a ‘good enough container’, is one that can) like a mother or therapist, contain the anxiety-arousing parts that originate both within that container, and/or projective identifications originating in the organisations environment. Given the turbulence and changes occurring within our School, College, University and operating environment, the need for us all to contribute to providing a space that provides, emotionally, psychologically and psycho-dynamically, a ‘good enough container’ has never been more important.

Many thanks to all of you who, showed in lots of different ways last week, that you were there for me.